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“We love Him, because He first loved us.”  I John 4:19 (ESV)

“Lord, if you had been here, my brother (Lazarus) would not have died.”

Heartbreaking words hitting the harsh reality of loss spoken by Martha and then Mary.  How could the miracle maker Jesus who healed the sick and lame simply delay coming until it was too late (John 11:37)?

Aren’t those the words echoing from our lips in the midst of great loss, disappointment and sorrow?  Why didn’t Jesus heal our loved one?  Why didn’t Jesus intervene and prevent this tragedy?  Why didn’t Jesus rescue us from heartbreak, loss and pain?  Why didn’t Jesus fix it? Why did He allow us to experience financial devastation?  Why didn’t Jesus step in and manipulate the circumstances so we wouldn’t lose our job?

Lots of whys birthed in the midst of deep doubts.  Overcome with emotion, we wrestle through those moments when love seems absent for surely if God loved us He would have ____________(fill in the blank).

While I’ve never audibly spoken those “why” words, my soul definitely conveyed to my Jesus what my lips couldn’t dare speak.  The year was 1987 and in the bitter cold of a February morning, I stood by a hospital bed overwhelmed with grief.  My sweet little girl had taken her final breath. I would eventually leave without her and begin a journey no one wants to take.

Weeks later as grief and exhaustion overtook me, I pleaded through the nights for God to help me –  to give me something to hold on to.  Silence filled those nights as I waited for some grand gesture, some great revelation to catapult me forward in His strength and peace. Yet what Jesus gave me was a reassurance of His deep, sacrificial love for me. A verse I’d known from the time I was a little girl, John 3:16, resonated in my mind and heart:   “For God so loved the world (which includes me) that He gave (willingly) His only begotten Son that whosoever (including me) believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

I love John 11:5  which declares the love Jesus had for Mary, Martha and Lazarus before we witness their heartbroken grief and frustration over the absence of the One who could have changed it all.  Yet I am reminded of the greater glory found in the rising not the dying.  Jesus would indeed resurrect Lazarus’ life and echoed these words found in John 11:40:  “Jesus said to her (Martha), “Did I not say to you that if you believe you would see the glory of God?”

Living one’s life in the presence of the Lord is a glory beyond my comprehension.  I can’t even begin to imagine the joys of Heaven my little girl has experienced. And for those who remain on this earth, the sweetness of Jesus’ abiding presence with us resonates deep of His perfect love. Wrapped up in all our doubts and questions, He gently whispers, “I love you more.”

Sweet friends if you find yourself on this day of all things hearts doubting and questioning – you don’t have to wonder who loves you more – He’s proven it over and over again. Jesus welcomes our questions and is there in the midst of our wrestling surrounding us with his unconditional love and reassurance.

“Father, I’m totally blessed and grateful for Your amazing love which covers me.  Even in my doubts and wonderings, Your love runs deep and wide. You are truly the Lover of my soul.”

For His Glory

Janet Martin
TRBC Women’s Life